Entry 2

Hello and happy day to you all! :)

I so appreciate that I have a job where I can have lazy mornings of relaxation and reflection before starting my work day. :) It allows me to have the freedom of mind to do things such as this!

This morning I was reading in one of my favorite books titled, Classic Christianity Illustrated, by Bob George. I hold this book very dear because it was one of the tools the Lord used to help me through my depression years ago. The chapter I was reading this morning called, "At the End of My Rope" was particularly poignant to me at the time (and of course still today).

Though some of you may know, many of you are not aware, of the severe depression I struggled with from about 13 to 15 years of age. Though I'm sure some of its root causes were hormonal, most of it, I believe, was spiritual.  Looking back I am so thankful for the journey of self, and spiritual, discovery this time started me on. There were a lot of different "A ha!" moments during this time, and ever since, but the one I want to focus on today is "self-reliance vs. Christ-reliance".

This brings me back to the chapter I read today. For about two years straight, and for many moments before and after, I have been "at the end of my rope". This is something we all encounter many times throughout our lives, primarily during times when our circumstances leave us feeling scared, stuck, frustrated, or alone. Before and during the majority of my depression, I assumed when I had a problem, I was the one that needed to figure it out. God had given me a "toolbox" of supplies, and I needed to be the mechanic behind those tools to fix whatever problem may have arose. I seemed to try everything in my power to better the situation in my own strength. I would desperately pray, "Lord, please give me the strength to endure 'this' or conquer 'that'!" The more I would try, however, the more defeated I would become. This was simply exhausting. SO exhausting to the point that after a while, I found myself completely at the end of my rope, barely hanging on, and the brink of plummeting into the deep chasm of the unknown. "What a horrible and fearful place to be!" I thought. "What a failure of a Christian and person I am to have arrived at this point!" I would scream inside. Then, one day, in a moment of total desperation, I went outside and opened Classic Christianity Illustrated. I remember when I read the title, "At the End of My Rope" I thought, "That's me!". Then I began to read. I got the to part where Bob George wrote,

"I have heard this many times in counseling situations. I will talk to people who say, "I am almost at the end of my rope!" My response to someone who makes this statement is, "Put some grease on that thing so you can get to the end of it." This may not sound very sympathetic at first, but the truth is, that is exactly where God wants us to be. The only way we can experience His strength and sufficiency is when we stop trusting in our own."

"Bing!" A light went on in my head. Though much of my depression felt like I was behind a veil or a fog of confusion, this simple, but AWESOME, truth took hold. I realized I was doing it all wrong! I was completely backward in my approach of having victory over my depression! Instead of giving up and giving in to my desire to let go of my rope, instead of I was doing the exact opposite. I was hanging on for dear life because I was so fearful of what would happen if I released my grip. My grip of 'understanding' and 'control' and 'self-effort'. I thought, "Can it really be this easy? Can God really take this decrepit heart, soul, and body of mine, and heal it all by himself?" Up to that point, I thought my effort was helping God, when really, I was the only thing in His way.

Letting go is scary. We are taught not to give into fear. In this world we are told to battle fear and uncertainty with every thing we have. But why? The Bible says something different. "For God did not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2nd Timothy 1:7

The victory is already won through Jesus Christ. We have the armor of God protecting us. Yes, the armor of GOD, not an armor we have constructed. He says, "My grace is sufficient for you, My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2nd Corinthians 12:9 It is His strength, not our own, that is sufficient.

When I finally decided to let go, to actually give into the fear, to drop into the unknown, with no plan of escape, what did I find? Nothing. There was no substance to it! Nothing behind the ugly door! Fear is nothing but a smoke screen. It is the only feeble tool the Devil has to try to control us and keep us in bondage. But when we simply realize that all we have to do is stop trying, stop leaning on our own strength and efficiency, stop running, that's when Jesus can step in and we can watch Him claim the victory He has already won inside of us. We are complete in Christ. Because of Him, and because we are in Him, and He is in us, we lack NOTHING. He is our hope, He is our strength, He is our peace, our comfort, and our protector. WE, are simply recipients to His gifts and all we have to do is sit back, enjoy, and watch the Lord change our hearts and minds to reflect the truth of who we are in Him.

This was the crucial step, the amazing realization, that started my path to healing. I encourage you, whether you are in the depths of depression, simply going through a tough patch in your life, or even just dealing with a momentary circumstance that is troubling you, the answer is the same. I leave you with these three verses I cherish that remind us of that answer.

"Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you."
~1 Peter 5:7

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."
~Proverbs 3: 5-6

"For we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."
~2nd Corinthians 4:7

Let go and He will catch you!


Blessings!

Emily